Rough sex is often the topic of heated debates, with many categorizing it as abuse and others categorizing it as a legitimate fetish. In this week's Sex Talk Realness, Cosmopolitan.com spoke with three anonymous women about their experiences with loving rough sex on their terms.
How old are you?Woman A: Twenty-seven.
Woman B: Twenty-three.
Woman C: Thirty-four.
What do you consider rough sex?Woman A: Anything that involves a little bit of danger and experimentation. For me, it usually involves some uncomfortable effects afterward such as soreness or completely losing your voice after giving an earth-shattering blow job.
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Woman B: I think it can basically revolve around pretty aggressive/hard sex, but mainly I think of rough sex as incorporating things like spanking, choking, gagging, hair pulling, or being pinned down or pushed.
Woman C: Hmm, I guess being held down, told what to do, hard thrusting, etc.
What do you think is the difference between rough sex and BDSM?Woman A: I feel like BDSM is more planned out while rough sex is a "whatever happens, happens" encounter.
Woman B: I'm still not totally sure. The way I see it, rough sex is sort of ramping up to BDSM, but rough sex is also under the umbrella of BDSM. For me, I realized I liked it a little rougher, then became more comfortable with testing the waters in bondage and more pronounced dominance/submissiveness.
Woman C: Well, I don't wear costumes or have a master or anything, which is what I think of when I think of BDSM.
How did you realize you preferred rough sex?Woman A: I was aware of my now-ex's wild ways, but we never tried anything daring during our relationship. Years later, we reconnected and, knowing he wanted to take things to a different level sexually, I agreed to be game for whatever he had in mind. Hearing his voice demand me to perform specific acts was a major and surprising turn on for me. The raw emotion and roughness became something I craved.
Woman B: A partner started teasing me by telling me things he wanted to do to me and it got me thinking about actually giving it a try. When we had rough(er) sex for the first time and started getting into choking, spanking, hair pulling, etc., I realized it was what I'd been wanting for a while. I'd just been having run-of-the-mill sex with guys and feeling like it could've been better if it had been taken up a notch.
Woman C: I realized it by having boring sex previously. It's more fun. I will have sweeter sex too, but we always wind up getting faster and harder by the end.
What specific acts do you prefer?Woman A: Giving deep-throat blow jobs in positions that allow the man to have control of me. My hands are tied and I have no control of how deep he goes. Another favorite is having both my hands and ankles tied up with the guy inserting anal vibrators and thrusting his penis inside me while he pulls my hair. My boyfriend loved using a belt all over my body and I immediately took a liking to the sensation.
Woman B: Spanking, choking, hair pulling, bondage/being pinned down, and gagging/mouth covering.
Woman C: I like spanking and being held down.
How do you make sure it's safe?Woman A: The danger is always part of the fun, but providing my own sex toys and using common sense makes things smooth. I know what my limits are and when I need to tell the other person to stop. I won't put myself in danger just because my man is enjoying it.
Woman B: We try to make sure there's always an out strategy. Safe words, or if there's gagging involved, just tapping or head shaking with eye contact.
Woman C: I just tell them "no choking" because I don't like that.
Do you always clearly define boundaries beforehand? Do those boundaries ever change?Woman A: I identify my boundaries beforehand so everything goes smoothly. I learned my lesson early on that you have to be pretty specific when it comes to what you aren't comfortable with. Nothing ruins the moment like having to stop and give a lecture on why you aren't into what the guy wants to do. If something didn't go well during the last round, like maybe he used the belt a little too hard or he hurt my neck the way he pulled my hair, that's when I say we have to take it down a notch next time, so I go by that.
Woman B: I think it depends. I really trust my current boyfriend with our boundaries. He and I are comfortable talking about the "hard pass" items and what things we'd consider something to try eventually. Some days are different than others and I'll straight-up say, "No, I don't want to do that." I think it'd be different if it was someone else.
Woman C: I definitely tell them when I don't like something or feel uncomfortable, but it's usually during sex, not before.
Have you ever been injured, or injured a partner? Woman A: Once a blow job got a little too deep while I was positioned upside down on my bed. I felt like I couldn't breathe with his body was on top of mine and I needed to get my head up, but he was just about to finish. I was struggling and my head going in different positions. I ultimately cut his penis with my tooth. There was also one instance where we've bumped our heads together or someone's foot will jab the other in the eye. I've thrown up on a guy all over his stomach and lower body as I was performing oral and he told me to keep going even though there was vomit everywhere. I was covered in vomit and felt the opposite of sexy, but he was about to finish so I kept going.
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